Christmas Time, Mistletoe and... Crime?

Having taken a hiatus from blog posting over the manic festive period and belt-tightening new year that has followed, I thought I would resume with a post about the sweet festivities on Christmas.

Now, I used to love Christmas, walking to the local church hand in hand with a classmate in primary school to sing our little hearts out to "In the bleak mid-winter" and such like. Nothing means more to most than spending time with loved ones, savouring Grandma's Christmas cooking while the entire family piles into a house only built for two, dining tables elongated with wallpaper tables that stretch from the dining room; through the double doors leading to the living room and almost to the front window in order to accommodate all the extra relatives... You know the scene... Well, where do all those people go when they're sick to death of the kids screaming and squabbling over the latest new games console, Uncle Johnny just ate the last mince pie reserved only for the now exhausted lips of Grandma, Someone picked all the icing and marzipan off the Christmas cake, and if you have to spend one more second with your significant other it might end in a murder? That's right they go to the pub! Your picky Aunt Karen who criticizes everything and everyone just rolled through my door.

Christmas in hospitality is one of the hardest, stressful, and most testing times of the year for everyone in the industry. You not only cope with planning your own Christmas made more difficult by the fact that it has to be perfect for everyone, but you will be absent for most of it due to work, not to mention you must also plan Christmas for two hundred total strangers who all have a different idea of what a perfect Christmas means to them. Our goal is to deliver that perfection to as many people as humanly possible, while still clinging on to some semblance of our own Christmas, that quite often by the time we get around to it, we are so turkey and tinselled out from everyone else's Christmas, we couldn't give a fury rats backside about doing anything for ourselves.

Queue Auntie Karen to roll in snapping her fingers and houghing in line at the queue at the bar, while the poor bartender tries to process an endless stream of once a year w..... wanderers... that's not the original word I was going to use, as well as an endless stream of bar checks that are printing so thick and fast they are forming a paper chain stretching halfway across the floor.

*Inside Tip*

If you queue up for ten minutes, please know what you want and how you want it by the time you get to the front of the queue, in the time it's taken you to "erm..." you way into mushy or garden peas at least seven, yes, SEVEN more drinks checks have printed. You might have been married for the last twelve years, so why don't you know how your wife likes her steak cooking? and shouldn't you have perhaps locked down whether she wanted a Diane sauce before you waited in line? No I can't wait for you to work your way back to the table to ask her, while all the people groan behind you, and I'm now twelve, yes , TWELVE checks deep.

Queue Auntie Karen to decide that she would like you to personally name every wine on the menu, because the reading glasses balanced precariously on the end of her pointed nose somehow don't function anymore, and she was much too disorganised/self-entitled to have decided what she wanted before queueing up in line. Only for you to tell her that no you don't have any tables available for someone who hasn't booked, because there quite frankly isn't any room left to breathe at the moment, only for her to tell you how disgraceful you are, that her once a year custom has not reserved her a right for an on demand table.

Party The Night Away...

One thing you can be absolutely sure of at this time of year is people's office parties, and at every office party there seems to be a standard set of personality types. It's almost as if people draw cards resembling a beloved children's game of mine that involved drawing a card, describing the person on it, for example, does your card have a person with black hair? Does your card have a person with green eyes? and bit by bit you deduced the name of person your opponent had drawn... I have learned over the years to my utmost amusement that it's a bit like this at office parties. You always have:

• The outlandishly confident idiot who has done everything and seen more than everyone else in the room.

• The moaner that doesn't like where he or she is sat, doesn't like their food, doesn't like their company, and doesn't like fun.

• The suck up, who spends their evening meandering around all the tables to schmooze/ brown nose various big wigs in the hope of the next promotion.

• The lovably dopey one who somehow ends up paying the excess bill because they're the last one to pay and everyone around them has conveniently "forgotten" that they had a dessert or that extra double whiskey an hour ago... And of course...

• The Boss.

During one such party, there was a group of lovably geeky men standing at the bar discussing various IT issues and chatting about optimizing websites, I was however in a bit of a hurry due to having as described above, numerous bar checks on and a myriad of people standing around the bar waiting to be served.

"hello? what can I get for you?" I said politely and with a smile,

the middle gentleman complete with a knitted jumper and thick-rimmed IT technician glasses replied "oh a brandy and diet coke please" the two men next to him looked a little taken aback, as I assume Brian from tech support possibly doesn't usually order such a stiff drink, but hey, it's his office party too you know! Owing to being in a hurry I said "certainly is that a single or double" Brian as I'll lovably call him was now engrossed back in his optimizing web design conversation and was in full flow with his technical jargon. other people around him audibly puffed their cheeks at both me and Brian, as they waited to be served... "Single or double?" I asked again while simultaneously reaching for the requested liquor and looking up at him for a response.. Brian didn't hear me... The two men he was talking to nudged him, but bless him Brian was absolutely passionate about his new IT project... "Single!?" I shouted and leaned forwards towards him to hopefully gain his attention, Brian stopped, looked up, his mouth falling open slightly, and replied "what? erm? me? yes? I'm single? his cheeky flushed as red as his knitted Christmas jumper... I paused and stared at him in total disbelief, and did my absolute upmost NOT to laugh... "no, sir, do you want a single or a double brandy in your glass?..." As I said this both of Brian's fellow IT colleagues erupted into laughter and said "No! you idiot she means single or double drink!!" Brian who by this point was as red faced as Rudolph's infamous shiny nose, replied "oh, I thought she was asking me if I was single..." he tailed off quietly as his colleagues and now a couple of other guests around him laughed heartily. These moments although funny and endearing definitely make you want to face-palm when you are busy and people are just simply not paying attention. It's a sign of a compliment I suppose that people feel so relaxed while standing at our bar that they lose themselves entirely and seem to fail on all auditory and visual counts, unable to read menus or eve hear accurately, although I suspect that some of this is also down to the noise level... I'll be generous and go with that...

You may be drunk, but sadly I am not...

The push-your-luck-at-Christmas type folk, as I call them, are the people I like the least. Another work party had a huge tab running by their managers and got really quite merry after their meals one afternoon. They twice pulled the wool over my colleagues eyes by convincing her they had ordered a round of drinks that hadn't arrived... The first time I was doubtful but occasionally this does happen if the printer runs out of paper and the order gets lost between you changing rolls... The second time, I definitely didn't believe it but my colleague admitted it may be her fault... and by the third time, I wasn't having any of it. Three of the culprits came to the bar and claimed they hd ordered a round of double whisky's on their bosses tab and they hadn't arrived, unbeknownst to them their boss had paid with me almost an hour earlier and thanked us for our service, he also apologised at the rambunctious nature of some of his employees while confirming nothing was outstanding. "yeah, we ordered a round of doubles and they haven't arrived" said one of the three bandits. "it's on table 36" he added... "I think the bar forgot to make them" The two women at his side giggled like children. "Oh, that's odd," I said politely "your manager will sort it out" he added steadying himself with one hand on the bar "I am the manager" I smiled, "And I have also been on the bar all afternoon... all checks have been made including the two earlier rounds that you kidded my colleague into serving"... His face dropped... the two other bandits suddenly had to powder their nose and scarpered like hyenas running from a lion. "no" he tried "they're on that tab..." his voice had less and less conviction with each word, "Your boss settled the tab an hour ago, but I'll go and ask him to come over, one moment please, sir..." suddenly the man changed his mind and conveniently remembered that perhaps they had received their round of drinks after all and that checking with his boss wasn't necessary... funny that... He too scarpered in the wrong direction, before wobbling past a couple of minutes later and re-joining his group. "I thought it was the season of good will" I remarked to a colleague, as she too stood baffled, shaking her head in the direction of the group "apparently it's the season of theft" she added with an eye roll before walking gracefully towards a lady miming the universal "can I have the bill" sign in the air.

Things I learned from these experiences:

1. Christmas spirit can be in short supply if you've heard Christmas songs on an endless loop since the end of October, and the once a year w.... wanderer's are in town...

2. People who are passionate about web optimisation may mistake you asking for their drinks order as propositioning them for a date...Fortunately they may have friends on hand to point out their error...

3. No matter how drunk you get, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm as sober as a judge and know exactly when you're trying to con bottles of whisky from my bar.

4. Reverse engineering "speaking to the manager" will make all employees suddenly remember what they've ordered and send them scurrying back to their desks like good little army ants.