What kind of animal is a Gammon!?

One of my favourite queries I ever dealt with was a young couple who came into the restaurant as I was working one summer. You can always tell when a relationship is new because no couple looks at each other way a new couple does. They whispered and giggled, ordered their drinks, and then held hands while perusing the menu. Although I admit I was single at the time; I never felt bitter or jealous of these romantic types; although I would never admit it, I am a total sucker for romance deep down I just hide it under a somewhat stone-faced exterior.

After a suitable amount of time had passed I moseyed on over to the table to see if the love birds as I shall call them in this blog; were ready to order. Miss love bird ordered first, as Mr lovebird chivalrously gestured for her to take the lead. After a couple of seconds, Mr love bird said suddenly "Ere, what kind of animal is a gammon?" "I'm sorry?" I questioned, unsure if I had heard him correctly as at one point I had drifted off slightly into a daydream about romance... "What sort of animal is a gammon then?" he asked, "what does one of them look like?" I almost laughed as a pictured a physical gammon steak with googly eyes and stick legs running around a field in my mind! At first, I thought he was joking, but just like Mr Lemon from my previous post, he was deadly serious. He pulled a squinty frown and said "Does it live in a field? What sort of animal is a gammon? I've seen it on menus before".

"Well" I choked slightly as I struggled to erase the googly-eyed gammon running on its stick legs from my mind, A gammon isn't actually an animal sir, it's the name of a cut of meat from pork that has usually been cured or smoked. To my utter amazement, he said "yeah, right, so what kind of animal does it come from then?" "It's a type of pork sir, rather like ham" I could see by the totally blank expression in his eyes he still didn't understand "It's pork, sir, it's from a pig..." I offered. "Ohh!" he gasped with genuine amazement, "I thought a gammon was some kind of animal!" I squeezed a polite smile, offered relevant side dishes, then walked away before I laughed. My favourite part of the story, however, was that during my quick side glances his girlfriend stared on lovingly the entire time, with her hands resting under her chin adoringly. I couldn't help but think that if I was on this date, I'd have quickly texted my friend to ring me and say someone had suddenly died, causing me to have to run to my car, get in and drive away as quickly as possible... I guess, however, love is blind as they say.

At some point around this time, I learned another valuable skill when it comes to surviving hospitality: How to act when the gentleman at the table is more interested in you than his date...

Not long after the love birds, I looked after another couple who were also on a first or at least one of their first dates. This gentleman was of the sleazy, not even if you were the last on earth variety and the lovely lady he was with was about to find that out the hard way. I had introduced myself as their server and noticed that her boyfriend had looked me a little too up and down when he first sat at the table. This is something that I have always been acutely aware of, as even though I was still in the very early stages of my career, I always wanted to be the utmost professional server. I pretended I hadn't noticed but as they ordered their drinks and I walked away his eyes followed me across the room. I decided that the best thing I could do was act as though I hadn't noticed and focus on the lady when at the table rather than him, this was, in part to show to them both that I was not interested in him and that I was remaining professional as their server. I was also still nineteen and I didn't want some kind of cat fight on my hands when or if the girlfriend clocked his unwavering fascination with me. Any time I went to the table, whether it was to clear the starters or order them a drink, his eyes would try and lock to mine, or if I didn't make eye contact with him, he would speak to draw my attention. By the time they had reached their main course, however, I wasn't the only one who had noticed his eyes following me all around the room as I served my other diners... The colleague I was working the section with had noticed, and so, unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your perspective) had his girlfriend. He didn't even try to hide it, and every time I glanced up at the couple, he was watching me and she was watching him... Suddenly, as I was writing a message on the till for another table, I heard a commotion coming from the direction of Mr Sleaze's table. His girlfriend, having finally become sick of his total lack of interest in both her and their food it would seem, had called him out on his behaviour I heard Mr Sleaze admit to being unable to take his eyes off me, but I also heard him say (untruthfully) she's looking at me too. "Lovely lady" however, thankfully didn't buy this and I heard her tell him "She's been ignoring you and only looking at me when she comes to the table you A***hole! SHE IS AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS I AM" and with that "Lovely Lady" stormed towards the main door. Mr Sleaze stood up, walked over to me and my colleague, paid the bill, and to my complete amazement, handed me a piece of paper with his phone number on it before saying casually "You're the only one I was interested in, how about you call me" winked, and walked out. My colleague and I just looked at one another in shock before I recovered myself, took a deep breath, laughed (out of disbelief more than anything), and ripped the paper up into tiny pieces before throwing it into the bin. Unbelievable I thought as I walked away to answer the chef's calls for service.

Things I learned from these experiences:

1. Imagining cartoon "gammon's" running around a field won't end well for you if you almost laugh.

2. Love really is blind, and possibly (judging by Mr and Miss love bird's story) is deaf too.

3. It's not your fault if someone takes an attraction to you, but how you deal with it makes all the difference.